He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
