How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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