so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
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