Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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