No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
