We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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