I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
