My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
