I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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