You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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