please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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