I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
