I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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