I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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