True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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