sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
