i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
