one might say we're banned from that church
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
