My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
