My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
