I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
