U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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