I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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