Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
