6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
