Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
