i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There r osticjed everywhere
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
