My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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