then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
