I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
