My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
