Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
