I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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