Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
