Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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