shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
