My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
