I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
