stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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