Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Your penis caused this!
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