Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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