while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
