so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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