I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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