He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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