why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't turn off my feet"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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