Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
