OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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