He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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