Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
