I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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