DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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