I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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