I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
