actually, I'm a sock model
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
