Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You're a waste of cheezeits
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
