Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
