dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
