So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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